consider this a letter that I never sent

I don’t know how I feel about you anymore. I know how I used to feel about you, but now...You were such a big part of my life I feel like we should keep in touch, but most of the time I want to punch you in the face. Friends don’t bring up past mistakes, how many times do I need to apologise? I don’t regret it, I wish I’d done more to give you something to be proportionately angry about. I also really like how you’re that one that people we were both friends with are concerned about, while I drink alone to self-medicate. But I’m not sad about not having you, I’m not as miserable as I was before. I hope you get your shit together soon and start looking after yourself, but I’m glad I don’t have to deal with it anymore. You are not my future and I’m happy about it.



I just want to know how embarrassed I should feel. Was there actually anything there or was it all alcohol. I can pretend, oh sure I can pretend. I pretend every single fucking day. But I don’t want to. I want to know, I want to finish what I started. I still feel bad, like I gave a kid a toy and then was “sorry, this actually belongs to someone else so you can’t play with it.” Not that that would ever make me feel as bad as I do. I’m basically a heartless bitch, I wouldn’t care about the kid. Now I feel foolish, so embarrassed. And I still want you.



You...are my instant coffee. You’ll do, but it’s not what I want. Basically, you entertain and amuse me. I don’t feel anything for you. With you, it’s all about the effect you have on me. I don’t give a shit about you. And I don’t even feel bad for it.



You are one of those people I like more and more the closer I get to them. From not being that close at school we’ve gotten closer since leaving, and I think you’re amazing. I’m in awe of your achievements and future goals and I know you’ll do even better in the future. I think we think similarly in lots of ways and I really enjoy spending time with you. I think you’re incredible and I can’t stand it when you’re sad. I want to stay friends with you because you’re just a really great person and I don’t want to not know you.



I know I should feel sympathetic towards you, but it’s gone past that. After you lied to us about how you were feeling and saved up your Temazapams... no more sympathy. You make me never want to be with someone for so long that functioning without them is almost impossible. You make me never want to fall in love, because I don’t want to feel how you’re feeling. I know you don’t want to be around anymore, but you have to think of someone other than yourself. You have so many other people in your life who care about you, you need to think about us. You didn’t fail her, but you’ll fail us if you don’t start making an effort. You can’t just give up, it’s not fair on us.



You frustrate me, a lot. But I will always be friends with you, because I have to. We go too far back not to. I love how we can just go back to how it was despite not having talked for months. You still make me laugh so much, I love all the stupid shit you do. Your view of the world...I wish I could be that naive sometimes. Well maybe not naive, maybe it’s just different to mine. I’ve always said one day you’re going to get a rude wake up call to kick your ass into gear, but I actually don’t know if that’s true. Maybe you’ll always be like that. Either way, I’ll always be there for you. I love you.



I’m worried about you. I’m worried about your lack of emotion, I’m worried about your drinking, I’m worried about your self-image, and I’m worried about your reckless driving. I question your dedication to the path you’ve chosen, and if all the things you want will ever make you happy. “I sing and sing of awful things, the pleasure that my sadness brings...” Sometimes you just want to wallow in your own self misery. You never allow yourself to get too close to people, and if you do, you change so that you’re not the person they knew. Why is that? Clearly it’s not to stop yourself from getting hurt, your lack of emotion does that. You can’t relate to people being madly in love with someone, you can’t understand why anyone would want to have children. You don’t know how to interact with children, at all. Sometimes I wonder if you hate yourself too much to actually properly care about anything.



You are someone that just won’t leave my life. I have always liked you far more than I should, and I feel like we have some sort of connection, though that’s probably just me. You make me laugh a lot, and I can talk to you for hours. I was always off limits to you, but that didn’t stop us flirting too much and being far too suggestive. And now, I’m not off limits. And you know that I want you, so what are you waiting for?



I can’t stand you. I don’t know why you keep trying to talk to me, because I can feel my hatred radiating towards you and you must be able to feel it. I sure make it obvious. You are so lazy, I don’t understand what you think you’re doing there. I don’t have any respect for people like you. Also, your music. How can you honestly like that shit? Most people like songs like that in an ironic way, or relish the badness of it, but you seriously like it. Someone with music taste as bad as yours can’t be trusted. Or liked.



We had a lot of fun together and you’re very funny, but you’re not a very good friend. You’re pretty cruel to those that are meant to be your friends and you seem to think that getting a boyfriend makes you happy. I can tell you now honey, it doesn’t. If you bring your own shit to the relationship it will poison it, I would know. Sort yourself out first and happiness will follow.